Taking a look back II (How I moved forward)

Hello all. I want to thank those who took the time to read my previous Taking a look back I. Again, I’m just writing a bit about what I know. Hope you all enjoy. 

MAKING APPLE JUICE OUT OF LEMONADE

A year into my employment with the company known as America’s first job, I got my first apartment. I’d owned a house, thanks to the money given to me a few years earlier, but the house’s structure was sinking which caused my family and I to move. It was in this apartment where I met the woman that would become the mother of my first child. Things moved fast in the relationship and before you knew it, we were pregnant. It was not an accident, if you can believe it, our young stupid asses played the game with a trophy in mind. If you read the previous blog post, we won. Yay! We had no idea of what we would do to take care and support her but we didn’t care. Two lost, hurt souls looking for something that could not be obtained through the actions we took. 

We had our kid and things soured from there. It didn’t take long for us to start to fall apart and I blame myself for a large portion of it, but it takes two to play the game. I was…it shames me to say…a violent man. I know, of course, with what I just wrote, why wouldn’t I be but after my child’s birth, something changed in me. I wanted a different story for her and began to craft a different life for her out of the terrible situation I’d put myself in. Not the relationship, but my ne’er do well ways and no available support for my kid. 

In my blog a previous blog, I told you guys about how she struggled through the first month of life, well if I didn’t; my daughters first month on this planet was spent in an incubator. I spent almost everyday at her side and willed her to grow strong so I could take her home. To what, I had no clue but I wanted her to have the life that had, so far, eluded me. 

IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

Two years after my daughter’s dramatic and quite terrifying introduction, her mother and I went our separate ways. There were more problems than two young kids with a baby could deal with and they spilled over into our relationship. I really can’t make an excuse for what happened, it just happened; as life does. I was now a journeyman electrician and a lot more money was coming my way, which meant some of the worry about money problems was alleviated but I still had my daughter’s future to consider. 

I could look at her and tell that she was destined for more than the life I’d had but I’m sure my mom looked at me and thought the same thing…no scratch that, I know my mom wanted the same for me because she was pushing me to be a Doctor before the abduction. I wanted more for her but my options were limited. I didn’t know anything about a 401k but I held two separate CD’s and had a good amount of money in my bank account, so I wasn’t really destitute; just not able to see my daughter’s future in my tumultuous present. I was trying to make sure she had what she needed now, how the hell could I make things happen for her later on? 

I didn’t have an answer to that question and I was so young and dumb, that I was incapable of coming up with one. I don’t want to rehash the story, so let’s just say, she turned out fine.(Read previous blog) During my kids childhood, yes I got more, I bought them a book that I ended up reading. The book “Harry Potter: The philosopher’s stone.” What a great story, huh? I read that book several times and bought the others in the collection. By the time my family and I was introduced to the series, “The goblet of fire” had been released and I was able to read a good way into the world of Harry before I had to wait for the next installment. 

While reading these stories a funny thing happened, I could feel something stirring inside of me. Something saying, “You know, you could do that.” I didn’t recognize the voice of inspiration and I did not believe what it was telling me, but that didn’t stop it. “That can happen for you.” It said. “You still have the talent to write.” I didn’t want to believe it was possible. Could a dream from my past still be available to me? Could I make something happen with my writing because I’d lost the talent for most of the other things I was capable of. “Where do I start? What do I do?” This was before the internet had truly been offered to the masses. I know, “Fuck, you’re old” Negasonic teenage warhead. 

There was no go to a website and get info on where to start. No YouTube video showing you how to get it done. Nope. Back in the day, it took good old fashioned hard work, magazine subscriptions, word of mouth and conventions; and that is where I made a connection that would change the course of things for me. 

A few years after deciding that I wanted to get back into writing, I went to a writer’s convention where one of the guest speakers was UNLV championship head coach Lon Kruger. He’d just written a book and was trying to talk to others about the hard work and determination needed to complete it. The speaking engagement wasn’t that good but the conversation that I had with him after was one of the most inspiring things someone had told me. 

I remember being scared as shit when he approached me. The Rebels were champs and that kind of accolade made me feel like a non-factor with no right to talk to him, but Lonnie, walked up to me “My god you’re tall. Six five, six?” He asked, like we were old friends or something. “Seven.” I said, proud of my size but at the same time, embarrassed because this was a basketball coach, a champion coach and I’d never played the sport for any reason but fun. I stood there watching his mouth move with thoughts of what he was thinking about me bouncing around in my head. Not good thoughts mind you. If you’ve been reading, then you know that at this time, I was pretty much my own worst critic. No, these thought were of the failure I’d become. About the impossible predicament that was everyday of my life. 

I can’t remember much of what he said, because I was talking to myself but one thing he did say, stuck with me. “You know, no matter if you’re fresh out of school or dealing with the problems of old age, the only thing that can stop you from doing what you want is you.” He was right. 

I took a careful look at my life and in that moment, he was right. The cause of my pain and rage had nothing to do with being kidnapped. Sure, that shit happened, but I was old enough to recognize that that should not control why I was going through any situation in my life. It took me some time to recognize my own worth and what I needed from myself to be happy. 

It’s some of the stuff I talk about in my blogs, the ability to recognize your self worth. You know, time to recognize that “I is smart. I is kind, I is important.” Lol, Aibileen Clark aka Kathryn Stockett. What a terrible line, huh? 

Without going further into my story because I am reaching a large number for the blog. I was able to remember that I am capable of making my life what I want, it just took me a long time to recognize that I still wanted it. You know, when we’re young we have all of these plans, things we want to do. Some times, some of these plans, may fall to the wayside. The ones that are meant for you, the ones you’re meant to achieve, are plans that will not let you throw them away. They do not go gently into obscurity, no, they claw at you. They nag at you. They make themselves known and constantly tell you,”I’m not going anywhere, so deal with me now.” 

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day y’all. 

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